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Two
people fall in love and decide to get married,
and that should be it-right? You happily
announce your engagement to your respective
families, who, if not wildly enthusiastic
until now, have at least seemed neutral-and
all of a sudden, hell beaks loose! You
now find that everyone wants to interfere,
everyone has an opinion, and everyone is
creating havoc at the worst possible time
in your life. You're already dealing
with the nerves, the doubts, the indecision,
your unknown future and the strain of preparations
for the biggest moment in your life. Now
everyone wants to misbehave?
The
first thing an engaged couple has to realize
is that as far as their families were concerned,
when they were dating it was their own affair,
but when they became engaged it became their
families affair. Why? Because
the couple is now planning to unite two families
who will now have to create new relationships
together! If there are children in
the future, those children will be the descendants
of both families. That's a different
situation entirely! Now you have everyone
in an uproar, and that's the way many families
regard it!
Somehow,
these things can be resolved and usually
are resolved, if the couple and the families
work towards that goal-but how? Here
are some guidelines that may help you.
First,
you and your fiancée have some deciding
to do between yourselves. No, not about
the wedding arrangements-about what your
limits and attitudes are going to be. These
should be very carefully discussed between
you two privately right at the beginning
of your engagement. They involve what
is going to be negotiable and what is not. Obviously,
your marriage is not an area of negotiation-but
details about the ceremony and other arrangements
certainly should be. Decide to be flexible
and accommodating when you can!
Second,
take the high road-it's essential. It's
difficult not to react to remarks you consider
rude, and your loved ones can make remarks
that hurt your feelings-even though that
was not what they intended. Your relatives
are going through a painful time too-their
initial reactions are very often "thinking
out loud" rather than actually true. People
do adjust. Many couples have found
that warring families over time end up getting
along quite well. Develop a bad memory
and try to be "hard of listening" even for
a little while. Your only other choice
is grudges among family that may last for
years, or a lifetime-do you want that? Is
it worth it?
Third,
remember that no matter what you do, people
are responsible for their own actions. There's
always a part of us that feels that if we
were different in some way, the other person
would behave better. That may or may
not be true-but you are who you are and they
are who they are. In the end each individual
is only responsible for themselves. If
you have relatives or friends that you feel
have really crossed the line, it may be necessary
to stand up for yourself. Do so with
the knowledge that it may server ties with
that person temporarily or permanently, and
decide if it's worth it to. Unfortunately,
there are people in this world who are simply
not worth the price it takes to get along
with them. That's their responsibility,
not yours.
Remember
that if you have to take a stand to still
take the high road. There's a big difference
between stating your case and standing up
for yourself and reacting with angry and
hurtful words that can come back to haunt
you in the years to come. It's
amazing how one-sided people's memories can
be. Years later, they'll remember that
you reacted with anger, but not the actions
that led up to it.
So
exactly how do you take the high road, but
still stand up for yourself? You do
that by stating your case but nothing else. That
means you are careful not to bring in anything
else in the discussion. You talk about
you, not about the other person. There
is no room for remarks like, "You always
have to have your own way" as much as you
would like to say that.
Take
as an example a situation where a relative
is insisting on a specific style of bridesmaid's
dresses that you simply can't live with. That's
exactly what you say--"I simply can't live
with those dresses." What you do not
follow up with is, "I won't let you bully
me" or "You're always trying to get your
own way." Those last two sentences
are the things that will be remembered for
years--so don't say them. It's a very
hard thing to leave out, because this is
a naturally upsetting time for you as well
as them--but the effort is well worth it. The
person you're speaking to will still probably
be angry, but they'll get over it much quicker,
because you didn't criticize them! You
simply stated that you couldn't live with
those dresses--there was no blame on anyone
else.
Most
of all relax, relax, relax. It will
be the hardest thing to do and the hardest
lesson to learn but very much worth it in
the long run.
By M.
A. Woodman
www.thinkwedding.com
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