There are less and less traditional nuclear family
units these days. It has become more the norm,
because of the increasingly high divorce rate,
to have multiple sets of parents and grandparents
in the "mix" of planning a wedding.
The addition of multiple sets of parents can make
planning more complicated. There are some solutions
and some answers, but the first and best piece
of advice that relatives need to take to heart
is to remember that the bride and groom and their
happiness should be the central focus for everyone
involved. If relatives heed that advice and maintain
a positive, cooperative attitude, logistics will
have a way of working out.
The bride and groom might begin by considering
their relationship with each set of parents, and
with stepparents. Opening the lines of communication
early on is a good way to set the mood. The bride
and groom ought to sit down and talk with all
their parents and find out, up front, how they
feel and what makes them comfortable. Certainly,
there should be every attempt made to keep everyone's
comfort level high. There is no purpose served
by putting people into awkward or uncomfortable
situations. Many of those can be nipped in the
bud, by early discussion. Usually it is the set
of parents who raised the child (bride or groom)
who will be most involved in planning the wedding.
If both sets of parents raised the child, then
the bride and all her parents will want to discuss
and divide the responsibilities and coordinate
who does what. Today's young couples often avoid
this problem completely by taking charge of and
planning their own weddings. Although this may,
indeed, be less stressful, it seems a pity to
keep parents out of the loving circle that wedding
planning can be. The engagement announcement is
usually made by the parents with whom the bride
has lived most of her life.
The announcement can read as follows:
"Mrs. Joan Smith announces the engagement
of her daughter Jennifer to . . . " In other
cases, both the bride's parents are mentioned.
The announcement can read as follows: "Mrs.
Joan Smith of Kingston and Mr. Jim Baily of Hurley
announce the engagement of her daughter Jennifer
to . . . " The wording of wedding invitations
becomes a bit tricky when there are multiple sets
of parents. Again, there are several logical solutions.
One way to avoid the debate about who announces
the wedding on the invitation is for the couple
to do it themselves.
The invitation can read as follows:
"Together with our parents, we request the
honor of your presence at . . . " More often
than not, however, the invitation will include
both sets of parents' names or neither. Should
both or either parent be remarried or unmarried,
but the bride and groom do not wish to include
stepparents in the invitation, it may read "Mrs.
Joan Smith and Mr. Alex Jones request the honor
of your presence at the wedding of their daughter
. . ." If only one parent and stepparent
are announcing the wedding, the wording suggested
should indicate whose child is being married.
It may read:
"Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the honor
of your presence at the wedding of Mrs. Smith's
daughter . . . " If both parents have remarried
and are hosting the wedding jointly, then both
names should be listed on the invitation, with
the mother of the bride's name listed first. It
may read: "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and Mr.
and Mrs. Richard Katz request the honor of your
presence at the wedding of their daughter Joan
Katz to . . . " It is becoming more and more
of a tradition that the groom's parents host the
rehearsal dinner, This, of course, presumes that
the bride's parents are paying for the other wedding
expenses. When there are divorced and remarried
parents, it seems appropriate for both sets of
the groom's parents to co-host this event.
The nature and tone of the relationship between
"ex's" may be problematic at a rehearsal
dinner. Special attention to seating arrangements
can help ease the tension, Rather than seating
guests at a dais or head table, round tables deflate
the appearance of some hierarchy and may prevent
one or the other parent from feeling slighted.
If the rehearsal dinner is held in the home of
a relative, the more informal, casual atmosphere
may also help to diffuse any ill-feelings or tension
that may arise over one parent not wishing to
pay for an "ex" or his/her family members.
In some unfortunate situations, family members
may choose not to attend an intimate rehearsal
dinner gathering. Brides and grooms should be
understanding and accepting, using the "it's
their loss" philosophy and plan "around"
the scenario.
Planning the actual wedding ceremony again presents
some awkward moments. The issue of who will walk
the bride down the aisle has significance to every
parent. If the differences can be set aside, divorced
can both walk their daughter down the aisle. More
and more brides are following Jewish tradition
and choosing to have not only their dad, but also
their mom escort them. Another alternative is
having the bride's stepfather (or mother and stepfather)
walk her half way down the aisle and her father
(or father and stepmother) walk her down the rest
of the way. Yet another option is to have one
father (or one set of parents) precede and another
follows the bride, as she walks down the aisle
"alone." When there is a particularly
strong animosity between divorced parents, couples
have chosen other solutions. A bride may walk
down the aisle one or two grandparents. She may
walk down the aisle with a best friend, or a best
friend couple. The same holds true for the groom
if he is being escorted as well.
Once the couple has made it down the aisle, in
a Jewish ceremony there is the additional problem
of which and where the parents will stand under
the chupah. There is a smorgasbord of choices
here, with the decision based on the relationship
of the couple to their respective parents and
the parents and stepparents to one another. Cases
vary so much from one another, that this aspect
of the ceremony needs to be dealt with on a case
by case basis by each bride and groom. Whatever
decisions the bride and groom ultimately come
to, the "no surprises" rule holds. Parents
and relatives should be informed, well in advance
of the wedding, as to the decisions that the couple
has made. Choosing the officiant for the wedding
can also become difficult with multi-parent families.
Does the bride select the officiant from her father's
or mother's or her church or synagogue? There
are logistics that come into play, because the
location of the wedding may eliminate one of the
choices.
All things being the same, what's most important
is that the wedding officiator knows the bride
and, if possible, the groom, as well. So first
choice goes to whomever the couple know best and
are most comfortable with. The reception will
go more smoothly if serious attention is paid
to the seating arrangements. There is no percentage
in seating divorced parents (and their respective
families) close to one another. Avoiding a head
table and seating parents at separate tables best
deals with the problem. In some unfortunate cases,
bad feelings run so deep that two separate receptions
may be a good option. This second reception is
usually held after the couple returns from their
honeymoon, as a sort of welcome home party. In
some cases, one set of parents may attend the
ceremony and leave. The second set then attends
the reception only. The tradition of the bride
dancing with her father becomes a bit complicated
when there are a father and a stepfather. One
option is to select, for the first dance, the
father who did not escort the bride down the aisle.
The other is to have two dances, one with each
dad.
Any announcements which involve parents or stepparents
should be carefully and thoroughly discussed with
the emcee, so that the wording is just right.
Feelings and sensitivity levels run high at weddings,
so preplanning and forethought can go a long way.
Money and who pays for what is a touchy subject
under the best of circumstances and with the best
relationships. Traditionally the bride's family
pays for most or all of the wedding expenses.
For couples where divorce and/or remarriage are
involved this becomes somewhat more complicated.
What couples need to try to avoid is the development
of a power play between parents. Once again communication
is a key factor. Couples should talk to each set
of parents (not an altogether pleasant task) and
ask straight-out what each is prepared to pay
for. Couples should also make it clear from the
beginning that as the bride and groom, they reserve
the right of veto power.
If parents can remain reasonable and cooperative,
they can opt to share the cost of the wedding.
Expenses may be split in half, or in quarters,
or even fifth (if the bride and groom are also
contributing). Another option is for the bride
and groom to assign various expenses (taking economic,
location and other issues into consideration)
amongst their parents. Yet another solution is
for each parent set to pay for their number of
invited guests. This last solution also resolves
the "how many can we invite issue."
There is, however, no formula or magic solution
that will make this aspect of wedding planning
evolve perfectly. Time, patience, consideration,
and sensitivity must all be employed to have a
happy ending. In some cases couples choose to
avoid the money and parents issue altogether,
by paying for their own weddings.
The new, non-traditional composition of the family
unit does usually pose additional problems in
wedding planning. Everyone involved needs to be
reminded often that the objective is to rejoice
and celebrate with the bride and groom. Keeping
focused (and refocus when necessary) on this objective
will help to make solutions more easily forthcoming.
By Judy Lewis
HudsonValleyWeddings.com
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