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Introducing My Parentsssss:
The Complexities of Extra Sets of Parents and Suggested
Solutions
There are less and less traditional nuclear family
units these days. It has become more the norm, because
of the increasingly high divorce rate, to have multiple
sets of parents and grandparents in the "mix" of
planning a wedding. The addition of multiple sets
of parents can make planning more complicated. There
are some solutions and some answers, but the first
and best piece of advice that relatives need to take
to heart is to remember that the bride and groom
and their happiness should be the central focus for
everyone involved. If relatives heed that advice
and maintain a positive, cooperative attitude, logistics
will have a way of working out.
The bride and groom might begin by considering their
relationship with each set of parents, and with stepparents.
Opening the lines of communication early on is a
good way to set the mood. The bride and groom ought
to sit down and talk with all their parents and find
out, up front, how they feel and what makes them
comfortable. Certainly, there should be every attempt
made to keep everyone's comfort level high. There
is no purpose served by putting people into awkward
or uncomfortable situations. Many of those can be
nipped in the bud, by early discussion. Usually it
is the set of parents who raised the child (bride
or groom) who will be most involved in planning the
wedding. If both sets of parents raised the child,
then the bride and all her parents will want to discuss
and divide the responsibilities and coordinate who
does what. Today's young couples often avoid this
problem completely by taking charge of and planning
their own weddings. Although this may, indeed, be
less stressful, it seems a pity to keep parents out
of the loving circle that wedding planning can be.
The engagement announcement is usually made by the
parents with whom the bride has lived most of her
life.
The announcement can read as follows:
"Mrs. Joan Smith announces the engagement of
her daughter Jennifer to . . . " In other cases,
both the bride's parents are mentioned. The announcement
can read as follows: "Mrs. Joan Smith of Kingston
and Mr. Jim Baily of Hurley announce the engagement
of her daughter Jennifer to . . . " The wording
of wedding invitations becomes a bit tricky when
there are multiple sets of parents. Again, there
are several logical solutions. One way to avoid the
debate about who announces the wedding on the invitation
is for the couple to do it themselves.
The invitation can read as follows:
"Together with our parents, we request the
honor of your presence at . . . " More often
than not, however, the invitation will include both
sets of parents' names or neither. Should both or
either parent be remarried or unmarried, but the
bride and groom do not wish to include stepparents
in the invitation, it may read "Mrs. Joan Smith
and Mr. Alex Jones request the honor of your presence
at the wedding of their daughter . . ." If only
one parent and stepparent are announcing the wedding,
the wording suggested should indicate whose child
is being married.
It may read:
"Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the honor
of your presence at the wedding of Mrs. Smith's daughter
. . . " If both parents have remarried and are
hosting the wedding jointly, then both names should
be listed on the invitation, with the mother of the
bride's name listed first. It may read: "Mr.
and Mrs. John Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Richard Katz
request the honor of your presence at the wedding
of their daughter Joan Katz to . . . " It is
becoming more and more of a tradition that the groom's
parents host the rehearsal dinner, This, of course,
presumes that the bride's parents are paying for
the other wedding expenses. When there are divorced
and remarried parents, it seems appropriate for both
sets of the groom's parents to co-host this event.
The nature and tone of the relationship between "ex's" may
be problematic at a rehearsal dinner. Special attention
to seating arrangements can help ease the tension,
Rather than seating guests at a dais or head table,
round tables deflate the appearance of some hierarchy
and may prevent one or the other parent from feeling
slighted. If the rehearsal dinner is held in the
home of a relative, the more informal, casual atmosphere
may also help to diffuse any ill-feelings or tension
that may arise over one parent not wishing to pay
for an "ex" or his/her family members.
In some unfortunate situations, family members may
choose not to attend an intimate rehearsal dinner
gathering. Brides and grooms should be understanding
and accepting, using the "it's their loss" philosophy
and plan "around" the scenario.
Planning the actual wedding ceremony again presents
some awkward moments. The issue of who will walk
the bride down the aisle has significance to every
parent. If the differences can be set aside, divorced
can both walk their daughter down the aisle. More
and more brides are following Jewish tradition and
choosing to have not only their dad, but also their
mom escort them. Another alternative is having the
bride's stepfather (or mother and stepfather) walk
her half way down the aisle and her father (or father
and stepmother) walk her down the rest of the way.
Yet another option is to have one father (or one
set of parents) precede and another follows the bride,
as she walks down the aisle "alone." When
there is a particularly strong animosity between
divorced parents, couples have chosen other solutions.
A bride may walk down the aisle one or two grandparents.
She may walk down the aisle with a best friend, or
a best friend couple. The same holds true for the
groom if he is being escorted as well.
Once the couple has made it down the aisle, in a
Jewish ceremony there is the additional problem of
which and where the parents will stand under the
chupah. There is a smorgasbord of choices here, with
the decision based on the relationship of the couple
to their respective parents and the parents and stepparents
to one another. Cases vary so much from one another,
that this aspect of the ceremony needs to be dealt
with on a case by case basis by each bride and groom.
Whatever decisions the bride and groom ultimately
come to, the "no surprises" rule holds.
Parents and relatives should be informed, well in
advance of the wedding, as to the decisions that
the couple has made. Choosing the officiant for the
wedding can also become difficult with multi-parent
families. Does the bride select the officiant from
her father's or mother's or her church or synagogue?
There are logistics that come into play, because
the location of the wedding may eliminate one of
the choices.
All things being the same, what's most important
is that the wedding officiator knows the bride and,
if possible, the groom, as well. So first choice
goes to whomever the couple know best and are most
comfortable with. The reception will go more smoothly
if serious attention is paid to the seating arrangements.
There is no percentage in seating divorced parents
(and their respective families) close to one another.
Avoiding a head table and seating parents at separate
tables best deals with the problem. In some unfortunate
cases, bad feelings run so deep that two separate
receptions may be a good option. This second reception
is usually held after the couple returns from their
honeymoon, as a sort of welcome home party. In some
cases, one set of parents may attend the ceremony
and leave. The second set then attends the reception
only. The tradition of the bride dancing with her
father becomes a bit complicated when there are a
father and a stepfather. One option is to select,
for the first dance, the father who did not escort
the bride down the aisle. The other is to have two
dances, one with each dad.
Any announcements which involve parents or stepparents
should be carefully and thoroughly discussed with
the emcee, so that the wording is just right. Feelings
and sensitivity levels run high at weddings, so preplanning
and forethought can go a long way. Money and who
pays for what is a touchy subject under the best
of circumstances and with the best relationships.
Traditionally the bride's family pays for most or
all of the wedding expenses. For couples where divorce
and/or remarriage are involved this becomes somewhat
more complicated. What couples need to try to avoid
is the development of a power play between parents.
Once again communication is a key factor. Couples
should talk to each set of parents (not an altogether
pleasant task) and ask straight-out what each is
prepared to pay for. Couples should also make it
clear from the beginning that as the bride and groom,
they reserve the right of veto power.
If parents can remain reasonable and cooperative,
they can opt to share the cost of the wedding. Expenses
may be split in half, or in quarters, or even fifth
(if the bride and groom are also contributing). Another
option is for the bride and groom to assign various
expenses (taking economic, location and other issues
into consideration) amongst their parents. Yet another
solution is for each parent set to pay for their
number of invited guests. This last solution also
resolves the "how many can we invite issue." There
is, however, no formula or magic solution that will
make this aspect of wedding planning evolve perfectly.
Time, patience, consideration, and sensitivity must
all be employed to have a happy ending. In some cases
couples choose to avoid the money and parents issue
altogether, by paying for their own weddings.
The new, non-traditional composition of the family
unit does usually pose additional problems in wedding
planning. Everyone involved needs to be reminded
often that the objective is to rejoice and celebrate
with the bride and groom. Keeping focused (and refocus
when necessary) on this objective will help to make
solutions more easily forthcoming.
By Judy Lewis
HudsonValleyWeddings.com
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