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The short answer is a resounding YES. Getting married
without pre-marriage prep is like starting a business
or any important venture without preparing. Half
of all marriages end in divorce, and only half
of those that endure are truly happy in the long
run. Many happy engaged couples assume that they
won't be contributing to these statistics. But,
if you just wing it and count on your luck to make
your marriage a success, your odds are only one
in four. There is another way.
Most couples just don't realize that good, skill-based
pre-marriage counseling or classes can reduce the
risk of divorce by up to thirty percent and lead
to a significantly happier marriage, according to
marriage research. It can also reduce the stress
of the pre-wedding period. Just a little effort now
can make your odds a whole lot better over the long
run. You want to do everything you can to ensure
that your dreams of a great marriage and a great
life are realized.
Pre-marriage preparation is based on the reality
that it's important to strengthen your relationship
and prepare constructively for future challenges
and conflicts that everyone will inevitably face
at some point in their marriage, now while you have
so much fresh positive energy in your relationship.
Don't stick your head in the sand. The research shows
that there is a window of opportunity during the
year before the wedding and the six months or so
after when couples get the optimum benefit from marriage
preparation. Later, under stress, negative habits
and relationship patterns may become established
and be much harder to resolve.
Couples now face more demands and have fewer supports
than ever before. The typical complex marriage -
managing two careers while rearing children - really
requires that couples have very strong, well-established
abilities to communicate, resolve issues, maintain
mutuality and set goals. Without this foundation,
it's easy to feel overwhelmed by stress and time
pressures. Problems can intrude much more easily
than most couples realize. As much as it's important
to come to terms with unrealistically positive expectations,
those who grew up with divorced or unhappily married
parents may find that they have unacknowledged and
unexplored expectations that their marriage, too,
may become unhappy. Marriage preparation functions
as an immunization that boosts your capacity to handle
potential difficulties. Couples need every advantage
to succeed in today's marriages.
What Is Pre-Marriage Preparation and Counseling?
Most commonly, those couples who do receive some
premarital counseling get it from their religious
adviser. This can range from one or two meetings
to an extended series of sessions. Sometimes an assessment
inventory and skills training are included, often
they are not. Non-religious professional counselors
also provide premarital counseling services. Again,
the content and amount of service depends on the
orientation of the counselor and what you ask for.
Often it doesn't cover all the preparation that couples
need.
Marriage preparation classes or workshops are an
alternative or supplementary approach to educating
engaged couples and newlyweds in the skills, habits,
attitudes, and enrichment techniques that research
shows lead to happy, enduring marriages. Such marriage
preparation programs, are education, not therapy.
Like premarital counseling, some of these classes
have religious sponsors while others are secular.
You might consider them in many ways analogous to
career counseling. They address the normal issues
and challenges that all couples face in the course
of their marriage. Some people think that marriage
preparation is well on the way to becoming as commonplace
as driver's training or test preparation.
Susan Piver's, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential
Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do is on the bestseller
list. A marriage prep program can give couples the
benefit of a supportive environment and framework
in which to ask these questions and some skills to
deal with the answers.
Whatever marriage prep couples choose - religion-based
or religion-neutral, counseling or class -- should
include activities to give them real skills, real
expectations and real knowledge of self and partner
to face the inevitable challenges of a committed
relationship.
What to Look For in Pre-Marriage Programs and Counselors
Here's a concise list of seven relationship skill
and knowledge areas that research has shown to contribute
to the success and endurance of marriage:
· Compatibility
·
Expectations
·
Personalities and families-of-origin
·
Communication
·
Conflict resolution
·
Intimacy and sexuality
·
Long-term goals
Make sure that the pre-marriage counseling or prep
you choose covers all of these. Here are some questions
to help you select the pre-marriage prep that's right
for you:
· Does it include an assessment inventory
to help you understand your areas of compatibility
and strength, as well as areas you may need to address?
· How many couples will attend the class
or workshop? A small group setting is higher quality,
more engaging and individualized than large classes.
On the other hand, it can also be more comprehensive,
systematic and skill-based than most pastoral or
couples counseling. A group experience can also be
more involving and stimulating than individual counseling.
· Does the program focus specifically on
the needs of engaged couples and newlyweds? Some
marriage skills programs mix troubled couples from
later stages of marriage in the same class. This
can detract from the experience for engaged couples
and newlyweds.
· Is the class or counseling approach flexible
enough to allow for your relationship and learning
style or is it a one-size-fits-all program? It's
best to practice specific communication, conflict
resolution and goal-setting skills and strategies,
and then select those skills and strategies that
are most congruent with your relationship style and
best meet your needs.
· Is the content based on marriage research?
· Will the counseling or class help you and
your partner agree on goals and strategies for managing
and continuing to work on your most important unresolved
issues?
The answers to these questions will help you approach
selecting your premarital classes and counseling
as an educated consumer.
If a couple's premarital counseling with a religious
advisor or lay professional does not address some
important areas, the couple should think about supplementing
with a program that does. Many couples use marriage
prep and counseling in combination, covering the
foundation issues and skills in a class or workshop,
then focusing on religious or other special issues
in their counseling.
Patty & Greg Kuhlman
Marriage Success Training Marriage Prep Workshops
718-622-8380
866-704-6565
mst@StayHitched.com
StayHitched.com
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